Are parents really attached to their adopted children?
Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother: .. around me and I never had a mother/daughter relationship or a bond. When I turned 20, my adopted mother asked if I wanted to meet my birth family. So I decided to try and have a better relationship with my birth family. day when my parents received a phone call that they had a daughter. mother–daughter relationship has a salient effect on adoptees' relationships with Loyalty to the adoptive mother seems to influence the evolving rela- tionship.
I am, myself, guilty of over-sharing. One of the things I have over-shared has been my children's stories. I did it with the noblest of intentions: I spent years parading my kids out, hoping to encourage more older special needs adoptions. I was wrong to use them like that, no matter how honorable my mission. I've mended my ways. Nowadays, when you meet my kids and see how terrific they are and feel a bit nosy, I will cut you off at the pass.
I will gladly brag to you about their victories. Those belong to them and I trust their judgements about who to share them with. Deny that you are selfish or pretend you are selfless. I hate when people say "God bless you" to me when they see our family.
- When my adoptive mum met my birth mother
- A different kind of love
- Are parents really attached to their adopted children?
What these people are really saying is that I must be a generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans. This whole line of thinking is offensive -- not to mention totally wrong. First of all, I adopted my kids because I wanted a family and international adoption was the only avenue left open to me to get one.
It was not an act of selflessness that led to my becoming a mom; I assure you I was acting entirely in my own best interests. And second, I rescued no one. In fact, as a lot of adoptive moms will tell you, we were the ones saved, not our kids. Act like they didn't have parents before you.
My children were born to other people. It is natural that they should want to know about them, who they are, where they are, why they surrendered them. It's a dark hole in every adopted kid's heart that needs to be filled with some sunshine.
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I am not jealous or angry when my daughter lights a candle on her birthday cake for her unknown birth mother. I don't freak out when she writes her a note and puts it away in her secret box. I tell both my kids what I honestly know about their birth families, which sadly isn't much.She was adopted 😍😍 Beautiful Brother-Sister Relationship.👌👌
I don't speculate and tell them lies so they will feel better. And should my kids decide to join the legions of other Chinese adoptees who are now starting to search for their biological families, I will be by their sides supporting their efforts.
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I am acutely aware that for me to gain my family, two women across the world suffered a massive loss. Expect gratitude or appreciation because you adopted them. Just as you would a biological child, you can expect an adopted child to appreciate all you do for them, right down to driving carpool and sitting through endless dance recitals.
But no, you cannot and should not expect gratitude for adopting them. They were voiceless parties to a transaction in which they were the goods being transacted. They never got a vote in what was happening to them or what their futures would look like.
I know my children think about what their lives would have been like had we not been matched as their adoptive parents. I think about it, too. In the broadest sense, I know they would have been fine because both of them are survivors. Adoption, for them, was a tradeoff. To get the opportunity of a family meant severance from their birth culture, native language, and lost access to anything and everything familiar -- food, faces, friends -- literally overnight.
Psychologically, the mother and child are still at one for some time even when the umbilical cord is cut. Genes continue to play a major part in the relationship throughout life. The way you cock an eyebrow, how you stand or walk, gestures you make - all these are things that make children feel as if they belong.
But because a lot of people don't expect adoption to be different, they can feel shock, hurt and resentment when their adopted child doesn't react to them in the way they'd like them to. Bill Aldridge, who has three adopted and two natural children in their 20s and 30s, says, "There was always a sense for us that our adopted children required additional love to make up for the extra challenges they'd faced.
I wouldn't say we loved them more, but our feelings for them were combined with an overriding desire to make everything all right. I think we were more overt with our love for them than we were with our own kids, certainly while they were growing up.
Bella, now 41, says she still feels surprised by how much her mother loves her, and still has a need from time to time to examine the differences in her mother's feelings for all her children. He was one of her blood children and I often wondered whether she'd have preferred it had it not been one of her birth children. We talk about everything, so I asked her and she answered as honestly and diplomatically as she could.
She said that no mother would ever wish death on any of her children, but that when I saw her cradling his head and talking to him when he was in his coffin - a childhood image I will never forget - she was thinking of it having grown inside her and she was thinking of giving birth to him. I'm sure that's because she came along just after my mother had been very ill and she sees her as her anchor in the storm.
My point is that sometimes I think it's impossible to pull out adoption as being the only reason for a parent feeling differently towards her children. There are so many other variables. It's a parenting that I think should include ongoing training - just as you have with any other demanding job," he says.
Is the love any different? I just don't know. It will vary from one family to the next. With a small number of adopters, there is something going on in the back of their minds that if they can't bear it any longer, they will give these children up.
Her bond with her natural children is fluid and easy; her relationship with her non-biological daughter is more intense and tested. Angela Maddox believes that the relationship between parents and non-biological children has more chance of being positive if any birth children arrive later. But I think the fact that the boys were already in our family helped them feel more secure than if it was the other way round.
They had us first. You can love any child as your own. There was the different feeling around the birth, but that's all. Unusually, Molly Morris - who has given birth to five children and adopted two - says, "I've never been able to make a distinction between children born to us and those we adopted.
It's the nursing and handling, not the giving birth, that has given me the bond with my children. I'm not sure I really understand people that don't share that view. That's not to say you can't love another baby or child, but it's quite a different quality of love.
Every five minutes we were fetching things. Her life was consumed with us and what we could do for her.
If we tried to do what kids do, she put an end to it. We would get up extra early on a Saturday morning to try to watch cartoons, as soon as she would wake up she would make us turn the TV off and she had a list of chores for us to do the size of a poster board. This started at a very early age.
If we tried to go outside to play she had more chores for us to do, so on occasion we would sneak. I remember this very clear and I never understood what I did that was so bad to deserve this.
I will never forget being tied to those chairs as a little girl. She would make us give her massages, all over her body. She said her body hurt all the time, so our job was to help her pain go away, even when she was loaded on prescription pain pills.
She used to lie on the bathroom floor and make us give her enemas. What normal human being makes their kids do these things? This woman is truly disgusting and I will never forget the things she made us do.
As we got older the fights escalated and got out of hand. Why was there so much fighting going on in this home? I mean physical fighting between my adoptive mom and my adoptive sister AND between my adoptive sister and I. I sat my adoptive dad down one day a few years ago. I had a heart to heart with him. He sat at my dining room table, and held my hand and said how sorry he was. My older sister was adopted a year earlier, and my adoptive mom had an extremely difficult time taking care of her, and struggled each day to parent her as a new born baby and the weeks, and months to follow.
She could barely take care of her. Then they got the call for me. My adoptive dad said my adoptive mom had to go to a psychiatrist before they agreed they wanted to adopt me. For whatever reason they decided she would be able to parent me, on top of a 1 year old so the adoption was granted from a private attorney and granted. I went home with them 4 days after I was born and they divorced when I was 1 year old. I know for certain I could have never bonded with this lady.
As much of a basket case as she was as far back as I can remember, I know she was even worse when I was a newborn baby.
As we grew into our early teen years, things got worse. Fighting got worse, everything got worse. My adoptive sister escaped and went to live with my adoptive dad.
I got stuck in my adoptive moms home because I felt sorry for her, and I knew if she was left alone she very well may commit suicide as she had tried this so many other times. She made sure to manipulate us, and she always made it known that her feelings are something we are responsible for.
That seems the only purpose I served in her life. When I was in my early teens I remember her talking about never wanting to go to a nursing home.
When my adoptive mum met my birth mother | Life and style | The Guardian
As I got older, I realized her speaking about this would increase, as well as all her health issues, sickness, and emotional hang ups. She was sick every single day of my life. There was always a reason for her to take pills, and stay in bed, depressed. Pills were everywhere lying all over the place. Nothing changed as I got older, and I had kids.
She just began to project her misery onto my children, and started to find ways to manipulate my own kids against me. They saw her unhealthy and sleeping all the time.
She made them give her massages. They saw her messy lifestyle, with bottles of pills laying all around.
It was up to me to save them from what I had to experience growing up. This was the hardest decision of my life, because at that moment I knew I had to do this for my kids, not just for myself. My adoptive mom Mommy Dearest was a professional at creating co-dependent relationships, and she thrived on me needing her for different things.
She knew I needed her help babysitting, but when I started seeing her treat my kids the same way she did us growing up, I knew I had to come up with an escape plan. I began planning the move across the country. She began to play mind games with my kids, talking bad about me behind my back. I remember the day I loaded the 22 foot U-Haul with no support from anyone in the whole wide world, accept my best friend. I could have never done it without her!!
I planned to drive across the country, drop our stuff off in storage, and fly back to pick up my kids. That was the last straw for me, with her and her sick minded manipulation games. I will never forget it, because I wanted to make sure my kids knew exactly what I was doing, and where I was. I wanted to tell them I loved them every day, but she stopped it from happening. I have forgiven this lady, but in the process of me forgiving her, I have had to accept the fact that she stole my one chance at having a decent mother.
She stole my childhood, and any happiness I would have had as a child. She wants to come visit them, and continue on with a sick and unhealthy relationship with them. Every time she visits, she turns my flipping house upside down.