Enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

How The System Works — The Enneagram Institute

enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

9, 1–9, 2–9, 3–9, 4–9, 5–9, 6–9, 7–9, 8–9, 9–9 These categories and their definitions form the basis of the relationship dynamics; do familiarize yourself with . believes the enneagram is a “tool for discernment and a gift of the Spirit which Ones at their best in relationship are loyal, dedicated, conscientious, and helpful. . base their identity on how others are disposed toward them and react to them. . 7. The Achiever. Type Three. The Need to Succeed. The Success-Oriented. We often move from our “home base” to the two points connected to our own by the 3–4. 5. 1–5. 2–5. 3–5. 4–5. 6. 1–6. 2–6. 3–6. 4–6. 5–6. 7. 1–7. 2–7. 3–7. 4– 7 for self-sufficiency and independence, Givers are very relationship-oriented, .

Given time and sufficient perspective, Fours generally recognize that they are unsure about aspects of their self-image—their personality or ego-structure itself. They feel that they lack a clear and stable identity, particularly a social persona that they feel comfortable with.

  • How the Enneagram System Works

While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings.

If, over time, such validation remains out of reach, Fours begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. The outsider therefore comforts herself by becoming an insistent individualist: Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem.

They attempt to compensate for this by cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations. Unfortunately, his commitment to practicing fell far short of his fantasized self-image, and he was often embarrassed when people asked him to play for them. His actual abilities, while not poor, became sources of shame.

enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others. But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are.

enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions.

enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them.

Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives. Leigh is a working mother who has struggled with these difficult feelings for many years.

What Each Enneagram Type Is Secretly Afraid You’ll Find Out About Them

I have had a trail of relationship disasters. I went years without joy in my life, just pretending to smile because real smiles would not come to me. I have had a constant longing for whatever I cannot have. One day, the dog found a bone, carried it to a safe spot, and started gnawing away. The dog was so hungry that it chewed on the bone for a long time and got every last bit of nourishment that it could out of it.

What Each Enneagram Type Is Secretly Afraid You’ll Find Out About Them | Thought Catalog

After some time, a kind old man noticed the dog and its pathetic scrap and began quietly setting food out for it. But the poor hound was so attached to its bone that it refused to let go of it and soon starved to death. Fours are in the same predicament. As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities. To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity as a suffering victim and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity their Basic Fear.

Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more.

enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses.

Making It Work With Enneagram Type 7

Fours tend to be quiet, introverted, self-doubting, emotional, and pessimistic, while Sevens tend to be outgoing, extroverted, self-confident, mental, and optimistic. Sevens help Fours overcome shyness and a possible reluctance to try new experiences.

enneagram 7 and 4 relationship bases

Fours help Sevens stay focused on what they really want—and to respect and allow their feelings. Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their differences—that they think so differently, react so differently, and find pleasure in such different ways.

They can therefore become intrigued by the other, finding him or her endlessly fascinating, always ready with something new and unexpected. Both Fours and Sevens bring a capacity for joy and ecstasy, spontaneity, emotion, and for passion.

Both Fours and Sevens love lively conversation and they can pass hours sharing with each other detailed accounts of the events of the day as well as their thoughts and reactions. Both Fours and Sevens love the finer things of life, travel, good food, wine, clothes, and furnishings, and, for better or worse, both can tend to overspend their incomes on what they consider life's necessities—caviar, champagne, and another trip to Europe.

Enneagram Type Comparisons

They both have a love of the new and a sense of adventure and romance that can keep their relationship fresh and lively for themselves and be a source of joy and inspiration for others. Both types can be funny, irreverent, and entertaining. There is also an earthiness and bawdiness to both, as well as, paradoxically, a sophistication and elitism.

Being opposites, Fours and Sevens can balance each other: Fours bringing a sense of depth and interiority, while Sevens contribute a sense of fun and emotional resilience.