6 Ways to Bring Balance to Your Relationships | HuffPost Life
There are three common reactions to my 'An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands' series, and I hate two of them. Reaction 1: “Atta boy! Good for you. They understand a relationship as an opportunity to give and take care. Grant offers a list of tips, but one that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a. Balance in a relationship means not only that you need to give wisely, but also that you may need to look around to This perceived give-and-take imbalance has many possible reasons. . What other advice would you add?.
Takers — They intentionally take more than they give. Matchers — They give and take proportionally to what they are given, and their willingness to give is conditional. Others-oriented when it will benefit them to do so because it will help them.
Give and Take
Through anecdotal evidence backed by mountains of research, Grant concludes that being a giver yields the greatest business success but also writes about under what conditions giving is a failing strategy.
I think it applies to every transaction we have in our lives. In our spiritual lives. Then life gives back. We say and do shitty things to the people we love because we are hurt or angry. A million things unrelated to our partners preoccupy and stress us out. What really shitty and thoughtless thing can I do today to make my partner feel horrible and cry? Being a person is hard. The only responsible choice is to actively seek to give more than you take, every day. Sometimes we put things into the bucket and sometimes we take things out.
And by and large, the bucket is on average partially full. The classic example is a bank account, where we save for the future and take money out for important purchases. Slightly more complex is our career, where we invest in study and hard work and reap the rewards of pay, promotion and personal fulfilment.
Some systems are always positive, for example the money in your wallet. When it runs out, it cannot be less than zero. Yet if you borrow money, your net wealth can go negative, for example when you owe money to the bank.
Debt is a source of much woe, often caused by short-term motivations, which makes it a notable persuasive lever. The overall behavioral impact of the system is that it encourages people to seek balance.
If I take, then I must give in return. In order to take when I am in need, I must first make deposits. We hence seek to keep our accounts positive at least to the degree of an adequate safety net for future needs, with more risk-averse people with good self-control sustaining a larger average credit level.
A more complex give and take is in our relationships, where we give and take time, support and emotion to and from other people. Giving typically implies generous support that is gratefully received, yet this is not always the case. We can foist things on people or give only reluctantly.
And we may be desperate or unwilling to receive. Likewise, taking can range from grateful acceptance of a kind offer to coercive demands. Both give and take can hence be positive and negative in intent and involve corresponding positive and negative emotions. The equation of reciprocity The way we behave in balancing give and take is driven by the personal and social need for fairness. Relationships extend this to work through the force of reciprocitywhere there is a strong obligation to repay what you are given.
If one person owes too much to the other, resentment and conflict may arise and the relationship may consequently fall apart. An exact balance is not always required as trust acts to make this a 'sloppy' system.
The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Received
The greater the trust, the more negative the balance can become before concern about repayment arises. If I trust you then I will give a lot before I seek to take in return, confident that you will repay me at some time in the future. In each relationship there is a bucket system of 'social capital' where we make deposits and withdrawals from the bucket. The exact currency is difficult to define but could perhaps be approximated with the formula emotion x time. If you spend two hours helping someone, and they spend an hour helping you, then, if the emotional exchange is equal, they still owe you an hour.
Let's state the obvious up front: Financial advisors would caution you to never give a loan that you couldn't afford to lose. With a friend with whom trust has been built, I'd gladly risk more. Whether it's with acts of service or emotional availability, don't give any gift that will leave you feeling resentful if it's not reciprocated in a specific way. Ask yourself whether this is a gift you're giving no strings attached, no expectationsor whether it's a loan hoping for a payback?
Be judicious with who you give to, how much you give and why. If you repeatedly give more than you receive and feel bitter about it, you may want to explore why you go beyond your limits.
Expand your circle of friends. We all give in different ways -- it's why I'm a big proponent of having several close friends. We get different needs met and can appreciate how others give to us better when we can see the differences. You'll need less from any one friend when you feel supported by several.
When you have a friend whose shoulder you can cry on, you can better appreciate the other friend who simply makes you laugh.
- 6 Ways to Bring Balance to Your Relationships
- The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Received
The best way to feel more full? Receive from more women! This is especially true if you feel that one friend keeps disappointing you.
It's your responsibility to build a circle of friends around you, not her obligation to be everything you need. Acknowledge that balance doesn't mean being identical. We not only give in different ways, but we also give at different times.
Going through my divorce, I monopolized more than 50 percent of many conversations with friends. And the roles have been reversed at various times. Additionally, I have one friend who impressively always invites and schedules time with my husband and me. I don't reciprocate evenly in that area, but I've provided her coaching, held her heart through pain and been a safe place to process life out loud with someone who cares.