Jealousy and Distrust | Relationship Counselling Perth
Jealousy can be a major relationship problem—a survey of marital therapists reported that romantic jealousy was a serious problem for a third of their clients.1 I. Jealousy isn't fun, and we're all likely to experience it over the and distrust at a partner, as it corrodes not only the relationship but your own. When "paranoia" or extreme distrust, arises in a relationship there are many factors which can be causing it. It is absolutely necessary to understand where these.
Envy is a reaction to lacking something and wanting what someone else has. Jealousy on the other hand is the feeling that someone might try to take what is yours. For example, your husband becomes close friends with an attractive co-worker, and you may feel jealous of — and threatened by — their relationship. At its most mild jealousy is considered an instinctual reaction that makes us want to protect what we feel is ours. Unlike simply being protective though, jealous feelings can balloon quickly into destructive behavior and cause us to act in ways that are selfish and controlling.
It can even cause us to assume things are happening that are not, like seeing a friendly exchange as the sign of an affair, or working late as hiding a secret addiction.
Instinctual or not, jealousy is not productive. People who struggle with controlling, jealous feelings are often struggling with deeper issues as well. Uncontrolled jealous behavior is typically a symptom of one or more of the following: Insecurity Fear Low self-esteem Understanding the root of the behavior can help you work toward controlling it. At best the jealous partner is needy and constantly looking for reassurance that they are the only one and that no one is a threat to replace them.
At its worst jealously can manifest in controlling and distrustful behavior, and even physical or emotional abuse. A jealous partner may try to control the actions of their partnerchecking up on their whereabouts or monitoring their calls, texts or emails. This behavior sets up a pattern of distrust that is unhealthy and will eventually cause a relationship to collapse. The foundation of any healthy and happy relationship is trust and respect. A person struggling with jealousy is unable to trust the person they are with or show respect for them as an individual or their boundaries.
Overtime this behavior will destroy the feelings of love and affection that once existed. Sounds like it, you might think and I do have my momentsbut hear me out. Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish.
7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships
Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself. If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the 'worst' happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, but thriving in this imagined scenario. Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Write down 10 positive ways you'd like to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end.
Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Don't build your whole life around any one person. But don't leave this list lying around to be found by your partner, as this may start them feeling insecure.
People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous. Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going out of your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run. This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition.
If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and if this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man girl who works in the bar The imagination is great Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it.
But he distances himself thankfully for him! He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth. I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to land the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it. Stop trusting your imagination so much.
Your partner is home later than you thought they were going to be. You start to imagine them having an intimate drink with that handsome guy you saw working in her office or that luscious sister of his new gym partner you happened to see one time.
You become angry, upset, frightened - without having any evidence that what you imagined is real.
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- The Poisonous Effect of Jealousy on Your Relationship
They come home and you react 'weirdly' by being very cold or you have an outburst of anger toward them. They become defensive and angry back in turn. I recall seeing a YouTube video of a dog becoming very angry - with its own leg. The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it - not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg. We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time.
When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined something, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'. If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them. Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness.
Let them have their freedom and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you.
The Poisonous Effect of Jealousy on Your Relationship
If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine. If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how? Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous. Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else?
Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else?
Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation. Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself.
7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships
Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment. The more you can do this, the less jealousy will be able to mess with you. To get a flavour of this, click on this free audio session, relax, and listen. It might sound strange to say that jealousy is more about self-love than real love for another person, but jealousy does make us focus more on our own feelings than the feelings of the other person.
Overcoming jealousy isn't about making your partner face the wall in restaurants or trying to prevent them ever looking at anyone else; it has to be about you managing your own emotions. I worked with Kevin hypnotically; worked with his traumatic memories of having been cheated on by someone who wasn't Katherine and, bit by bit, got him to lengthen the leash. Click here to get my free bite-sized relationship tips sent straight to your email inbox that you can use right away to feel better About Mark Tyrrell Psychology is my passion.Jiddu Krishnamurti - On jealousy, distrust and isolation