The Naked and the Dead - Official TF2 Wiki | Official Team Fortress Wiki
Sep 4, The comic cuts back to the original group, with Scout and Heavy parachuting down to Miss Pauling. As Scout hugs Pauling, Medic reveals that. Over the years, the comics have spawned ancillary characters, then assistants to Dr. Grordbort's Crash Landing July 20, Meet the Director May 5, Apr 28, The Medic examining a patient It is a head mirror strapped to the Medic's forehead. This item July 7, Patch (Meet Your Match Update).
The Badland Brawlers are a sports team from Badlands. I assembled a team of the world's deadliest mercenaries to take it all by force. What I did not expect was that my idiot brother would do the same. Unfortunately for Blutarch, it appears that the original RED team was assembled at the same time, leaving both siblings at a stalemate. The original team consisted of the same nine classes as the current organization. The Scout, inspired by Billy the Kidtook on the appearance of a young cowboy, complete with spurred boots.
In keeping with tradition, the Demoman, inspired by Alfred Nobelwas a one-eyed dynamite -loving prospector. Unlike his modern Russian counterpart, the Heavy resembled John Henrypreferring to put his enemies out of commission with a monstrous sledgehammer, whilst the Sniper, like Davy Crockettpartnered his trusty rifle with a coonskin cap.
Prior to his appointment as President of the United States, the Pyro, Abraham Lincolnused an experimental Flamethrower to aid his comrades in battle. Finally, the Spy eschewed a balaclava in favor of a domino-mask and equally-sinister mustache in the style of Fu Manchu.
The members of Redmond's original counterpart team are unknown. The identity of the silhouette along with his team was revealed in the Cold Day in Hell comic.
His current whereabouts are unknown. This is where I wake up when I die. All the cameras face inward, you see. So all you can look at is yourself. I'm only ever here for an hour or so. Usually I just read magazines and smoke. None of this is real, is it? Maybe I'm not here at all.
Maybe I'm just a flickering memory in your dying brain. Or maybe I am real, and we're discussing the nature of reality in my own private hell. In which case, congratulations. You've somehow figured out how to make eternity more boring. I've never had much patience for the abstract. What matters is you've died. And that means you've failed. The Australium you sent me to get? You have no idea how important this is Administrator, I know you're planning something big.
And I've never asked. Because I trusted you. That when we got here, you'd have a place for me. Tell me, Miss Pauling Why are you asking now? Miss Pauling poses a single question] Miss Pauling: What is it you want? Suddenly, the Administrator gives a grim look, her fingers touching and her face turning dark. Miss Pauling's eyes begin to show on each screen. Miss Pauling is lying in bloody dirt outside of the TFC base, regaining consciousness.
The previous events were all a hallucination. I need more blood! I thought we all Ha ha ha, heavens, NO! Miss Pauling looks a bit disturbed] Medic: Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! The robots merely drained out all of your blood. Miss Pauling looks disgusted. I just put the blood back in! I refuse to believe it's that easy. Why do people even go to Medical school? Wait, how'd you separate out all the blood types?
Miss Pauling came back stupid! Miss Pauling, I've been using my own underwear to sponge blood out of puddles. Trust me, the type is the least of your problems.
Are we going to be okay? I would drink plenty of water. Oh, and blood, if you can find any. Destroyed robots litter the area. Aren't those the robots that killed all of us in five seconds? Very embarrassing of you. How the hell is Demo doing that?
Yes, I was pleasantly surprised as well. If I had to guess I'd say drinking Demo's blood is giving them all alcohol poisoning. But he hasn't had a drop of liquor since we got to the island! Demoman is giving orders to his various anthropomorphic organs behind a control panel, with his eyepatch-wearing heart saluting and announcing reports.
We managed to convert the stomach into a distillery, sir! Convert the lungs too! If it's hollow and it's in me body, put it to work! Demoman answers condescendingly, without turning his back. Look who came crawling back. Get bored of yer champagne parties and golden shrimp forks, did ye? I never even left your rectum.
Medic (Team Fortress 2)
Ach, we'll have plenty o' time for that later. We should get back t'work. While you were gallivantin' around in me colon havin' a fine oul' time, me and the lads invented a way to ferment bone marrow. Look sharp there, boys! I hate this job.
These guys are morons. They're the laughing stock of the mercenary world. How the hell are they- [A frustrated TFC Heavy is seen watching the events unfold on a large blue screen. The TFC Engineer approaches from behind him and interrupts his thoughts.
Me and the boys were talkin', and uh He is seen holding something. Do I look like I'm in the mood to talk about this, Fred? You always get paid. Why bring it up now? Well, for one, you never killed the guy payin' us before. Two, I've been standin' here ten minutes watchin' you yell at his spine. I'm holding a machine that will let us live forever, Fred. I also can't help noticing you ain't holding five of 'em. You're an Engineer, aren't you? Well, sure, but- this aint' exactly upgrading a Turret here.
Come on man, immortality machines? That damn thing's more Biology that Engineering Just so we're not here all day Well, I've been lookin' at the old man's Robots. I could probably get the Sentry Busters up and running, or maybe Get them ALL up and running!
Scout lands first, and is elated to see Miss Pauling again.
And you look terrific! Have you lost weight? Your hair looks great too! I'm just glad you're okay. Miss Pauling looks exhausted while a disgusted-looking Scout lets go of her. Miss Pauling, you might not want to get squeezed by anyone for That blood is going to be sloshing around in there for a while. I am so happy to see you!
Heavy Surprised, looking at her hand stump: Zhanna, where is your hand? Heavy rests an arm on her shoulder] Zhanna: I sawed it off with scrap of metal to kill woman torturing me the TFC Pyro. Wait, what is this? Where did you get this necklace of You're going to be a grandfather! He's going to impregnate me, brother! Wait, you always knew I was super strong? What about the Australium? Did you find out who took it? We did find Saxton Hale though! Miss Pauling Looks at Scout: Great, we could use the help!
Scout Points behind himself: Him and his big mean girlfriend were right behind us. Both him and Miss Pauling give a concerned look at what they see. That is not Saxton Hale behind us.
We were inside that whale for four days looking for that cougar! But we found him in the end, didn't we, Mags? Jerry Piloting the plane: Beat the crap out of him too! Remember there was that boat full of hippies trapped in there? When'll those dimwits learn? They just look like a boat full of sausages to a whale. Remember what we did in that whale, Sax? The heart, The cougar corpse If you're going to jump, it needs to be now, we are out of fuel.
Sheesh Sax, how long've we been jawing on for? That big fella and the rat-boy jumped an hour ago. Time flies with you Mags. Y'know, I've been thinking Once we get that Australium off Gray Mann Saxton Hale gets his on first, and pushes several crates of cargo off the open rear of the plane for dropoff.
Darling promised he'd get me Mann Co. You should come run it with me! Just the two of us! Wouldn't that be great?
- Dr. Gogglestache
- Non-player characters
- Meet the Director
They are surrounded on both sides by hoards of robots, with torrents of water under the bridge trapping them entirely. Do not worry, men! I have crapped my way out of tougher jams than this! Surrounded on one side? These tin cans couldn't surround their own metal asses with both hands! I'll- [Soldier looks towards the other end of the bridge] Soldier: They are on both sides of us. Men, we are going to die.
It's a good thing we ain't got any guns, Soldier Where did Hale go? I toldja we couldn't trust that smelly bagga muscles Just a big hairy coward, if ya ask m- [Scout is interrupted mid-sentence by a crate hitting him squarely on the head.
Scout is seen holding a crate labeled Mann Co. Submachine Guns, trying his best to read it. The Scout smiles widely] Scout: Naw, I got the gist. Holy crap, you guys! Look who just showed up with a bunch of Submakeens! Jerry clings onto Maggie for dear life. His trusty Minigun rolls out of the broken crate. He smiles, picks it up, and revs his Minigun, hearing it sing again. I have missed your voice. VS Sniper [Scene of Miss Pauling's team fighting suddenly cuts to black, sans a telescopic sight aimed directly at the Heavy's head.
A voice can be heard muttering to himself. His Sniper Rifle is pointed out through the window, and he is about to take the shot. How about you go first? The TFC Sniper lifts his head from the scope and swears. Whoever that is, your knockin' just cost me a headshot.
And how do I know its you? Boss wants you back in the Comm room. Has he lost his damn mind? I've got 'em dead to rights down there. They've got guns now, Fred. Some naked guy fell out of the sky with a load of weapon crates. Well, maybe that's what the boss wants to talk about.
I know he's got something planned, anyway. Spy's disguise fades, and Sniper is seen hurrying away from the door, panicking. He frantically begins to shout the door's codeword as the TFC Sniper sits down on his knees beside him. Why would the boss want his Sniper out a Sniper's nest durin' the middle of a firefight Spy Towards the door: Spy In a panic: Yeah, that's not gonna work.
You might wanna come up with some better last words. He falls down, bleeding and weak from his stitches. Sniper grabs into the windowsill and smashes through it; a piece of the broken window manages to accidentally catch onto his pants, leaving him stark naked once he is out of the window. Fred and I been workin' together since before the war.Cuteness
For what its worth? That was a good Fred. Spy Holding his knee in pain: Not good enough, evidently. Nah, it woulda fooled me. Thing is, I know Fred so well To pluck my eyes out and replace 'em with these. Damn things see through everything. Can't sleep at night. They see through my eyelids.
But lemme tell you Before you kill me. The TFC Sniper's back is turned away from the room's windows, preventing him from seeing Sniper inching his way towards the room's open window from the outside.
But take one of mine. Sniper is halfway there, a trail of blood left against the windows. I don't want you smokin' one of them cyanide cigarettes you boys like so much. TFC Sniper is still oblivious. Don't want you goin' quick.
I'm gonna take my time with this. Sniper has crawled into the room, aiming TFC Sniper's own rifle towards him. TFC Sniper sighs, and puts both hands up in an act of surrender. Now just think this through for a second, son. I'm sittin' on a- [Without a moment of hesitance, Sniper delivers a fatal headshot to the TFC Sniper, silencing him and killing him instantly. TFC Sniper's body drops onto the ground in a puddle of blood.
If I forgot to mention it before now You Snipers are the worst people on the planet. He wasn't a Sniper. He was a sadist.
Dr. Gogglestache - Official TF2 Wiki | Official Team Fortress Wiki
Snipers don't muck about with gutshots and monologues. We just take the shot. Yes, you're credit to the institution of shooting people from far away. Some of us would have enjoyed torturing him first, by the way. Let's have one of them cigs.
Both do not lock eyes. Medic and Demoman are sitting in front of the rubble of a Tank Robot. Medic is stitching up Demoman's leg, while Demoman drinks from what seems to be a bottle of scrumpy. So after ye shot Sniper Technically I was only present.
Medic gets up slightly: Could I trouble you with the hydrogen peroxide? This won't take a moment. Y'know, Doc, I always wondered Oh, of course I can. The procedure is quite simple, really. Demoman takes a swig from the bottle, and takes some time to process what he just heard] Demoman After a moment of thought: Ye mean ta tell me, all these years Ye could have put me eye back in any time ye bloodly liked? My friend, I've given you your eye back at least eight times.
And every time it functions normally until Halloween night. At which point it grows batwings and attacks us.
We've fought a giant your eyea brain-in-a-jar your eye, a knife-wielding ventriloquist dummy your eye. One year it traveled back in time and tried to be our parents. That eye socket is haunted. Demoman looks at him suspiciously] Demoman: Wait, why don't I remember any o' this? I scooped that part of your brain out so you'd stop asking me. I did just ask you.
Sadly, brain-scooping is not an exact science. My advice would be to try not to remember things. Got- [Demoman suddenly gets a nosebleed and leans back, seemingly stunned as Medic watches. He suddenly runs off happily, apparently forgetting everything that had happened, even the Medic's name itself. Medic waves a hand in the air and smiles. Also, your leg is fixed. I even gave it its own little brain! So get out there and let's see what that does.
Demoman Smiling but oblivious: You've got it, kindly stranger! Suddenly, two pair of feet appear behind him. Here's what's gonna happen. We're going back to your lab. And we're gonna figure out how to stitch this thing into me.
Otolaryngologist's Mirror - Official TF2 Wiki | Official Team Fortress Wiki
Let's get you on an operating table and- TFC Heavy: No, you're gonna tell my guy how to do it. Medic keeping his eyes on TFC Heavy: I am a Doctor. You will not die on my table. I'll just kill you here. TFC Heavy stumbles and clutches his face, bleeding from a deep gash.
It has started to rain. What the HELL did you just do. He bravely keeps his gaze on the surprised TFC Heavy. Let me show you. To his surprise and horror, TFC Heavy grabs onto the Ubersaw and pulls it out of his stomach while standing up. The rain bounces off his shoulders.
You've been a coward since the day I hired you. I did NOT see that comin'. Now you got my full attention. Medic begins to beg for his life while TFC Heavy keeps a crazed smile on his face. I'm the only one- TFC Heavy: You were just the closest. And now I know where she is. Hirin' you was the biggest mistake I ever made, Doc. Now it's my turn. And sewing 'em up your- [He is interrupted by a Minigun barrel nudging his face - Heavy stands behind him, revved-up Minigun ready to fire] Heavy: Do not hit Doctor.
Ah, the big guy. Heard a lot about you, big man. I ain't gonna lie. I've been lookin' forward to this. Y'got me dead to rights here. You want a good death? I can give this to you. He has a gun I should have known you would not want fair fight. See, here's the thing Yeah, you caught that, huh? That sound fair to you? You want a fair fight, big man? Now you got one. Locked and loaded, you got everything you need?
I got bullets in my gun, if that's what you mean. I don't got everything i need. Not this again, Greg. The boss going crazy?
The Naked and the Dead
Trying to live forever? How much time do we really have left? I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff right now, but we got men to kill here. Ross, when has money ever made you happy? What would you give right now to go back and do it all over? Do it right this time. That old safehouse in Newark? We clear those grenade crates out It'd make a hell of an orphanage, wouldn't it?
Are we doing this? TFC Scout Let's do this. Both of the men put a smile on their face We are going to have an endless supply of kids to Then their smiles drop Ross, why are you covered in gasoline? We're gettin' frickin' swarmed here! Did Spy just leave? Yeah, leavin's about all he's good for, trust me. And what the heck happened to Pyro? Oh, there he is. Hey, there's Soldier 'n' Zhanna! What did I tell you?
I've done this a million times! The wind on your skin! The looks of terror on your enemy's and teammate's faces! At first I am agreeing with everyone that this is tactically and morally and sanitarily wrong! But now I see! I have never felt so free! You said it, son! There are no barriers between us and the naked carnage we are committing!
I love you, and I love America! Why don't go fight somewhere less I'll catch you up. Admit it, Sax- You're gonna miss this. You made your point!