The relationship between a father and son

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the relationship between a father and son

The Relationship Between Father And Son in William Faulkner's short story "Barn Burning". Words 3 Pages. Normally in life, you look up to your father to be. Now nothing came between a man and his job. The pain and grief and shame from the failed father-son relationship seem universal. The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships. Deryl Goldenberg, Ph.D. What is possible between a father and son? What can men do with the.

The unexpressed hurt and anger often transfer onto our love relationships, parenting, challenges at work, and problems with authority. If we decide to tackle this wounded relationship in therapy, we will invariably encounter an array of painful childhood memories.

The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships

We will experience waves of disappointment, rage, and grief at the loss of what we never had with our fathers. By bravely revealing and working through this boiling cauldron of emotion we may come to a meaningful resolution. Perhaps a facilitated conversation in therapy would provide an opportunity to deal with the unfinished business, leftover resentment from our childhood. In cases of neglect, physical or emotional abuse, could a father acknowledge his wrong doing without excusing his behavior?

the relationship between a father and son

At that point there would seem to be no hope for repair. Their attempts for reconciliation may or may not reach their father, but the real psychological work entails making a concerted effort to sort out this jumbled knot of confused, disturbing experiences and memories within themselves.

Personally, I have twice attempted to untie this knotfirst with my father and much later with my own son. These were largely unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of my father, which he called discipline.

the relationship between a father and son

I wanted to try to deal with this upsurge of memories and intense resentment that was coming from deep within me. This created a stalemate between us, and every time I saw him I was tense and would entertain vengeful fantasies.

As part of my own therapy, I was able to vent intense feelings of righteous anger, victimization, and outrage.

the relationship between a father and son

This ongoing venting of rage and hurt eventually opened up a totally unexpected memory. I came to realize that there had been a time when I was really young where I actually had wanted something from my father. It was a shock to have this memory.

I also came to realize that this did not change anything with him, but it meant a lot to me to uncover this wanting feeling for him. Unfortunately, nothing in the realm of relationship was possible with my father. So I had to let go and feel the pain of that old rejection and my anger, and then I was able to disengage and move on.

Relationship between Father and Son Fathers Days Special

When I had a son of my own, I was tested as a father myself. He probably idolizes everything you do -- dressing up in your clothes, imitating the way you read the paper or the way you stand when you talk.

He tries to do everything you do and works hard to make sure he has your attention and your approval. You can see in your little boy's eyes that he is utterly convinced that you are without a doubt the ultimate man in the world. As time goes by, though, your son gets older and your relationship changes.

When your son begins to develop into a young man, both of you face challenges that mean working a little bit harder to maintain your bond. The relationship you develop now will set the course for a lifetime bond between you and your son. James Longhurst, a licensed psychologist for Montcalm School, a residential treatment program for troubled and at-risk youth, says that in general, as boys become teens, they sometimes question or challenge all their previously held perceptions about their fathers.

Longhurst says that fathers need to realize that when their boy begins to become a young man, you as a father, need to be sure to keep things in balance. Likewise, they are never as bad, or as stupid, as their teenage sons may say they are.

Longhurst explains that it can be a key time for fathers to use crisis as opportunity, exploring their relationship with their son and working through the conflict to bring the relationship closer. Sean, a student who recently graduated from Montcalm School and is looking forward to his first summer job, says that when he came to the program, he and his father had a very tense relationship that was, in some ways, at the heart of his troubles.

Sean's parents were divorced and his father, a recovering alcoholic, was changing his lifestyle and becoming a different person. That wasn't easy for Sean.

the relationship between a father and son

I had a lot of resentment because of my dad's trouble with alcohol when I was young, but when he changed his life and became sober, I wasn't ready for that either.