Second thoughts about long term relationship

second thoughts about long term relationship

It's incredibly easy to start feeling doubts about a relationship. Here are some second thoughts that everyone has had in a relationship at some point or another . As long as you're emotionally and physically faithful to your. You might wonder if you can make it as a couple long-term. You may decide that the woman or man you've long thought of as “the one” is. In serious, long-term relationships, how have you dealt with nagging doubts? . It was adding the second two steps into the conversation that really you a place to bring out all the conflicting thoughts and feelings and to sort.

I don't like the term "soulmate" because it sounds, to me, like a unisex version of "Prince Charming;" the idea that we're all supposed to find some prefab perfect mate who will make life easy and sweet forever is just wrong. You don't find a soulmate; you find soulmate raw material, and then you have work to do. I'm not saying you should suck it up and learn to love the status quo. You may be in a rut, you may have gotten out of the habit of talking intimately with each other, you may have gotten scared of certain issues and avoided dealing with them -- I don't know.

Every long-term relationship will run into roadblocks. It's legitimate to not like every aspect of the situation, and to want some sort of change, but 'end it' is not the only way. You're reluctant to bring up little things that are bothering you. Possibly, he doesn't listen well, or you're afraid he wouldn't listen well if you did bring up the little things. The two of you can go to a therapist or separate therapists or maybe read a book and learn how to talk to each other about conflicts and fears.

The jargony name for the technique is active listening, and it works in all relationships, not just romantic ones. You could even start by going to a therapist on your own and talking about how you and your guy communicate. Not feeling free to talk about problems can make you feel like your relationship is extremely shakey, and it really doesn't take long to make it better.

It sounds like you might have a fair amount of anxiety, generally. You ruminate on negative things and your worry grows. Then the relief you feel after talking things out feels really good Anxiety isn't something you can completely banish, but therapy can help you tolerate it in important situations.

Therapy also gives you a place to bring out all the conflicting thoughts and feelings and to sort through them without dread. And he can learn how to listen without feeling like you're criticizing him. He might be the right guy for you or he might not It did for my husband and me.

If yes to the last question, do you blame your significant other, whether he even realizes this is happening or not? If any of these things are true, do you live together? This led to unnecessary cruelty on both of our parts; it's so much easier to break up when one of you has done something REALLY wrong cheating, drugs, stealing, lying, etc.

It is possible to fall in and out of love. Couples do it all the time. Romance isn't daily reality; also, you're at an age where you may expect or feel pressure from others to make a decision about your relationship status or risk missing out on The One you're supposed to be with.

You can love each other without being IN love, and be best friends who live together. This happens to a lot of couples, too. It's not uncommon to feel you're in a gray zone, and a good therapist could help you get to the bottom of these feelings.

What you do NOT want to do is either of the following: Decide that, screw it, it's not going to get better, you DO love each other, and get married.

Work through any problems you might have personally, or he might have, or the two of you might have as a couple before it comes to that. Some people get married in order to feel like they "completed the process", i. Then when it's done, and the reality sets in that you possibly married someone who is going to hold you back or frustrate you for life, you divorce, and honey, divorce SUCKS.

Begin to act out in passive-aggressive ways. Don't disappear, say hurtful things, be self-destructive, or do anything that could be construed as sabotaging the relationship.

Don't start a pattern of things that will force him to break up with you; it'll make you feel worse, even though technically he will be "the bad guy". It's not satisfying, and it could drag out over a long period of time, which leads to the kind of bitter breakup that you want to avoid at all costs. If you feel something is wrong, address it in a way you haven't tried yet. Sometimes taking this discussion to a counselor helps you hear each other in a way you can't do on your own, you know?

But do trust your gut, as others have said. You get one life. Only you can decide what's best for you. What has helped me have more peace of mind this time around, is realising that I don't have to make a definitive decision about where this relationship is going right now.

second thoughts about long term relationship

As micawber said, just because you love someone in the present, doesn't mean you have to stay together long term. Practicing mindfulness about the relationship has helped me to be less anxious and fight less with my current partner. This means I have a clearer, more rational approach to thinking about whether I want to make future plans with him. Last time, by comparison, I really let these doubts take over. My myriad resentments caused me to pick fights that I now see were really about creating excuses to be angry at him, so this could reinforce my secret feeling that I didn't want to be with him, etc At the moment I feel that the good in my present relationship vastly outweighs the bad.

I also acknowledge that there may in the next year or two, be a time when the balance tips the other way, because I will be moving onto a different stage of my life then. So in answer to your question, maybe just try to be patient and trust that if and when the time comes, those "nagging feelings" will reveal themselves to be stronger in favour of one course of action than another.

Read This If You’re Having Doubts About Your Relationship

Living with a certain amount of doubt and uncertainty is a pretty normal part of human existence really. Sometimes the hardest thing is just to wait and do nothing at all! If you give yourself permission not to have to decide anything right at this moment, it might take the pressure off, and you find that you enjoy the time you have together more without having to put a time limit on it.

Hope this doesn't sound preachy by the way.

second thoughts about long term relationship

I don't want to be insensitive, but that sounds like a typical functioning relationship. If it's the same problem over and over, then that's certainly cause for concern, but the cycle you describe looks really healthy as I read it.

Maybe you could cut out the step where you avoid talking about it, and maybe whenever you feel like "oh no--doomed! Of course it's just frustrating that years into a strong and loving relationship, problems still come up, but it's natural and unless I'm reading your post wrong, you seem to have the right idea.

I think these are just part of being a normal person, rather than warning signs of imminent relationship collapse. Even Jimmy Carter admitted to having a roving eye and an active imagination. What you want to address are more fundamental questions, like what ejaned8 says: Are you happier than you would be otherwise? Does your day get better or worse when you interact?

Is your partner supportive of your goals and dreams, or not? The point being, you need to be honest with yourself about how you feel and how this person fits or doesn't fit in your life, rather than getting knotted up over small details. Relationships should develop and move forward in ways good for both people; stagnation is bad.

A lot but hardly all of heterosexual couples follow a very defined relationship script. We've all seen the movie, right? Chatting leads to dating leads to humping leads to monogamy leads to cohabitation leads to engagement leads to marriage leads to kids and so on. Now, real life is more complicated, and even if that is the platonic model for some people, their actual practice varies a lot. They have the kid, then get married. Or dating leads to humping leads to cheating leads to tears.

But what matters is that there is a model in their head of how a relationship should progress, and in theory at least a relationship that doesn't progress can be worked on or discarded.

Read This If You’re Having Doubts About Your Relationship | Thought Catalog

So, what is your model for how a relationship should progress? If you want marriage and 2. Or, if you model involves flying around the world and petting sea otters, what's the plan for making that happen? Doubt is normal and ok. Commitment is really scary, and the future is unknown.

It can feel a lot safer to break up because hey, in a year things could fall apart and then you'd be just as unhappy, right? And conversely, it can be easy to stay on when you shouldn't, because at least you have something.

But if you check where things are now -- the way they really are, not the way the movie version of your life will portray them -- against your vision of how your relationship should be developing, that will probably tell you something. Personally, I have doubts every day. And if things don't work out, I'll be devastated.

second thoughts about long term relationship

But this relationship makes my life so much better, every day, in big things and small, that I'd be not just foolish but outright stupid to end it because of my doubts and fears. Don't ignore or suppress your doubts -- confront them directly, and use them to take an honest look at your life and make sure it is one that you can be proud of. I'm not talking little pet peeves, because you can work on those. But if either one of you feels devalued, like your point is falling on deaf ears, there's your real problem.

For all you know, that couple might usually be at each other's throats. You saw them at their best behavior, in a public forum. You're falling into the "it should be just like in the movies" trap. Stop romanticizing other couple's relationships and focus on your own. So, about your own relationship, here's the filter you're looking for: You really want to aim for that--progress, not perfection. That's realistic and doable, healthy and mature. But if you have the same issues over and over and go nowhere, and you only table the issue because you get tired of arguing and not because either of you have budged an inch, that's a huge red flag, and I'd say it's a good indication you need to move on.

Even if you do so privately, inside your own mind—in the midst of a sleepless night, while jogging, or showering—it can feel like a serious betrayal. But you must—without freaking out, if possible.

You might doubt the fact that the person you love loves you as much as they claim to. You might wonder if you can make it as a couple long-term. Especially in matters of the heart, none of us is all-knowing. Pangs of uncertainty can sprout up for no good reason, tickling your consciousness and begging for attention no matter how unjustified they may be. On other occasions, your gut may respond to blatant signs of trouble, or to subtle but significant cues.

However unpleasant the process may be, confronting uncertainty is the only way to return to a point of clarity. You may have reason to doubt your relationship, and you may not. You may choose to do the work to repair whatever aspects of your relationship are broken, or deem the situation a lost cause.

So listen yourself, but with the utmost caution.

The secret to desire in a long-term relationship - Esther Perel

Be as reasonable as your emotions will allow.