Why We Sabotage Relationships With People Who Treat Us Well - mindbodygreen
Are you your own worst enemy? Read about self-sabotage and how self- sabotaging thoughts and behaviors affect you in your life and your relationships. A grudge is inherently self-sabotaging because the purpose is to keep people at "A way to sabotage your relationship is to play mind games. Self-sabotage is a band-aid for your heart. Perhaps you were cheated on in your last relationship. Because you never saw it coming, you made.
We treat love like a game. It seems like some people are playing by certain rules and others do whatever they want. The result is that there are a lot of failed relationships or unhappy matches because love has become something to play at rather than a way of connecting with others at a deeper level.
Cheating takes many forms.
10 Ways We Self-Sabotage Our Own Epic Love Stories – P.S. I Love You
There are even those who spend time looking for other options and flirting with other people while in a committed relationship, which demonstrates all of the above issues. An emotional relationship is quite enough. Financial cheating also has a similar impact as actually going out and sleeping around. All of these behaviors prevent us from engaging in healthy relationships. Polyamory and open relationships are two examples.
We have poor boundaries. So often, when we get in relationships, we allow our boundaries to dissolve. We forget that we need to speak up for ourselves, protect our autonomy, and let people know whey they are overstepping an essential boundary.
We get in a relationship, and we often merge with the other person. We stop hanging out with friends, or we quit doing the things we enjoyed doing when we were single.
We forget in all of the rush of a new love that loving ourselves is just as important. I do believe in love.
10 Ways We Self-Sabotage Our Own Epic Love Stories
I always have, always will. Love alone is not enough. The truth is that we all deserve a healthy relationship, but those kinds of relationships take work. It also means that we work on ourselves, a project that is never finished if we want to continue to grow.
It means we love ourselves and carve out time and space using those boundaries to give us room to grow. It means that we start honoring our intuition rather than the fantasies we paint of others.
When we stop self-sabotaging, we might find the path cleared to deeper relationships. Or maybe we just find ourselves spending a little time alone, which is not as bad as it might seem. Epic love is possible. But not if we keep getting in our own way. Without realizing it, we tend to internalize attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development.
For example, if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in a self sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to try, i. If we grew up with a self-hating parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self sabotaging attitudes toward ourselves.
For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realizing it. We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations. When we fall victim to our critical inner voice and listen to its directives, we often engage in self limiting or self sabotaging behaviors that hurt us in our daily lives. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind.
We can familiarize ourselves with our critical inner voice and notice when it starts to seep in to our thought process. For example, if we often feel embarrassed or ashamed and, as a consequence, hold ourselves back socially, we can start to push ourselves to be more outward and open. Differentiating from these behaviors is essential to leading happy lives.
In their book The Self under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiationco-authored by Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, we describe the four steps involved in differentiation.
Step one involves separating from the destructive attitudes critical inner voices we internalized based on painful early life experiences. The third step involves challenging the destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up. These adaptations may have helped us in childhood but, very often, hurt us as adults. For instance, if we were used to being let down or rejected as children, we may have formed a defense that shuts us off from wanting or expecting much from others.
Though this lowering our expectations may seemed to help cushion us from getting hurt as kids, this same defense can keep us from trusting or getting close to someone as adults.